What does it mean to Invent a new you?

What does it mean to “Invent a New You” and why would you want to or need to? For some this will be an obvious answer, but for others a further explanation is needed. To be honest I never really thought of it in this context in my younger years. I just felt that I was getting good at adjusting to all the life changes that would come my way. I didn’t want to be good at it. As a matter of fact, I really would’ve been happy if I didn’t have so many life changes thrown at me at all! So, pivoting or adjusting to the things that came down the pipe was survival mode and at a time in my life it seemed to be a constant feeling. I didn’t feel I had a choice really. And that’s how it starts. Sometimes things happen in life that are beyond our control and you either pivot, adjust, find a new way to do things or you could fall victim to victim mode. But you have a choice in the matter. Your whole life is your choice. Sometimes things happen to us that was not our choice but we can choose how to respond. I can’t remember the exact quote or who said it, but it’s something like “Life is 1% what happens to us and 99% how we respond to it”. So how do you respond to sudden changes that happen in your life?

I personally am not a fan of change. Which is ironic because I feel like my whole life has been full of change. And honestly now in my life I get bored with life if it is the same ole thing everyday. But there is a difference between change that comes out of nowhere and change that we choose. And I am a huge fan of change that I choose even though it can be scary! To give you an example that comes from the pages of my life, I chose the men in my life, but I did not choose the verbal, mental or physical abuse that came with them. I chose to end the relationships which was a good thing, but I didn’t choose the hardships of life as a single mom after my divorce. Yes, my divorce was my choice and that was a hard choice to make, especially with very young children involved but I felt that the relationship was becoming toxic and I didn’t want that for my children. I wanted them to witness a healthy relationship. And the divorce facilitated a healthier relationship between me and their dad. MY life, MY choice. And sometimes I made choices that were a mistake. Thats ok too. You have a choice to change things up anytime you see fit.

For years I struggled as a single mom. I wasn’t getting much child support and that was very difficult. So, I would work fulltime at one job and usually 1 or 2 part time jobs. And even that didn’t pay all the bills. I spent alot of time feeling sorry for myself. I cried alot. I whined alot to my friends. I cursed God often because I wanted the struggle to stop. I wasn’t sure how much more I could take, but things kept coming over and over again. I would feel like life would settle a little and then POW something else would happen. Being in constant survival mode was so stressful. But my mindset was horrible for awhile. I felt life was happening to me at a pace that I couldn’t keep up with and I thought God was punishing me. I just got angrier and angrier. I started drinking alot of beer or wine. I smoked alot when the kids weren’t around and cigarettes became my best friend and coping mechanism. I was doing everything wrong it felt but I had no idea what to do. I wanted to change my situation so badly but I had no idea where to start. So I sat in the muck of my life for years.

As the kids got older I started to use “single mom” status as my identity and I used it as a badge of honor. I became very proud and I acted as if I didn’t need anyones help. I wasn’t going to be the person others felt sorry for. So I started working as much as possible. I got angry but I wasn’t angry at God anymore. I was angry that I tolerated so much from so many. And the people/men who offered to help or helped always wanted something in return. I learned to trust very few people. I had some amazing friends but I had guilt that I used them for venting and whining when we got together. I wasn’t much fun to be around. But when I got mad and I mean really mad I decided I was on my own and I was done expecting anyone to help. I spent quite a few years pretty angry. But thats what I needed to get through it. No one was coming to save me. I had to figure out how to save myself. I didn’t out right think I needed to invent a new me but I knew if I didn’t change something I would never be successful in life. My dreams were to own my own home someday and be able to afford christmas presents for my kids without going into debt so bad it would take 6 months to pay it back. I dreamed of having a savings account with money in it in case of emergencies. I certainly didn’t dream of fancy things, new vehicles, or vacations. Those were for “other people”.

So I invented a new me. I went from a sad, terrified, needy, emotional, distraught, hopeless single mom, to a strong, angry, determined, independant, and very stubborn single mom. It took years to become her. She did buy a house, bought a decent vehicle with 4 wheel drive which enhanced the independance. Afterall, If you live in upstate NY and have witnessed a winter without 4-wheel drive then you know you depend on people often to get you unstuck from the piles of snow we get here sometimes. I worked hard to create a life where I didn’t need anyones help. Of course I had help from my family and friends but I didn’t ask for it unless I was in dire need. I needed to prove something to myself and at the time others, that I could do it myself. And for the most part, I did just that. But I couldn’t have done it as the sad terrified woman. She was the deer in the headlights women. She froze and prayed hard for a miracle. It seems all I did for awhile was pray that we would get through it somehow. But I didn’t feel my prayers were ever answered, hence my anger with God. It was hard work. Even as the angry detremined woman it was hard. But I had invented a new me. She was still a hot mess but she had a sense that she would survive. And she would teach her children to survive. She would teach them to be independant, a little too well I might add. My sons first year of college was a new chapter for the 3 of us. One day near the end of his year he admitted his meal card was empty and had been for a long time. I asked why didn’t you tell me? I would’ve sent you money! He answered, “Mom you didn’t have any money to send me so I just got by with friends sharing their food. It’s no big deal mom, I’m fine”. I told him “Don’t you ever go without again! Do you hear me?! I’ll be sending you money every week now!” Oh how I cried after that chat with him, but I created him to be that way. He wasn’t going to ask for help. Even when he needed to. He had to find a way in college without my help. He felt he was on his own once he left. By the way, all my friends told me that my kids would come home from college often so to expect that. Kids will miss home. Well mine didn’t come home. Maybe for holidays when they were forced to move out during the weeks off but that was it. My son never really came home again to live only to visit. My daughter moved home at one point while transitioning between colleges but that was temporary. Inventing a new me had consequences for my kids. I knew they would suffer from being too independant at some point but I’d rather that then for them to ever feel stuck in life. When things go wrong in their lives they find a way. And it’s the biggest honor of my life when they ask me for advice or help with something. But I digress…..

You might be feeling stuck and have no idea what to do. You might have been thrown into a divorce that you chose or didn’t choose but you have no choice but to pivot your life. You may have been fired from your job or you hate your job and want to quit. You may have been booted out of a living situation and are sleeping on a friends couch. For you to move forward this first statement is key. Life doesn’t happen TO you, it happens FOR you. Everything you go through is a lesson. You either learn from it or it will come around again and again until you learn from that lesson. You may not want to hear this because most people don’t, but where you are right now is exactly where you are supposed to be. You are supposed to be learning from your situation that you are in because this time frame is teaching you valuable things that you will need and draw from later in life. I promise nothing goes to waste. The mistakes you make….supposed to happen. The job you hate….supposed to happen. And that traumatic thing that happened in your life…..you guessed it, supposed to happen. If I had not experienced all the trauma I did I wouldn’t be writing now in this blog and trying to help you. Your life experiences are there so that someday, maybe, you can help pull someone up from the muck they have been sitting in for years. It’s all there for a reason. And it’s all helping you to invent a new you. And that new you just might help someone else to invent a new them. Either way you are a product of your past. You can choose that new you. You can be miserable and a victim or you can pull yourself up by the boot straps, as my mother used to say, and get moving on the next thing. Every day is a new opportunity to evolve into a new version of you. And you hold all the power in doing so. So if you are sitting in the muck and have no idea who you are and who you want to become then the hard work is in front of you. In my next session I will be explaining in detail what steps to take to get started so stay tuned. In the meantime, be patient. Be grateful for anything you can find and start thinking about whats most important to you in this life. And remember, life is happening for you.